Friday, December 01, 2006
Dream A Little Dream
Adam and I watched a couple of old movies that night, but neither of us really watched them. It was noise, something to pretend to do while what we both wanted was to make love. I wondered it we could do it without hurting my ribs? Surely there must be a way? But in the end I was afraid that if I did, it would be tattooed on my forehead or something and my doctor would guess and yell at me.
I’m a wimp, I admit it.
We both fell asleep sometime after midnight, and what followed for me was a restless night memorable because of an erotic dream that had a creepy edge to it. I know we can’t control our dreams, but some you would certainly like to be able to hit the delete key on.
I dreamed that Adam and I were in Italy, in a castle somewhere high up above a city, but I didn’t know what city it was. I was sitting on a wall and Adam was driving into my body, making me have orgasm after orgasm. It was cold, very cold and my fingers were blue as they clung to his shoulders for support, because we were very high up on the ramparts of the castle and the snowy valley floor was far below us. Our sweat turned quickly to ice as we made love and no matter how hard we worked, we couldn’t get warm.
I had a red scarf around my neck and as Adam came, it blew off of my neck and slowly drifted to the valley floor below us, a bright red patch lying starkly against the white snowy ground.
I woke up then and slowly struggled to sit up in bed. It was 3:34 a.m. and I was sweating profusely, yet I still felt chilled. The dream crept slowly back into my sleepy mind and I shivered, remembering the red scarf on the ground. Adam was still sleeping and I got up and headed into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror.
My face was flushed, whether from the erotic part of the dream or the ending, I’m not sure. This was one of those dreams that are hard to come out of, like they are so close to reality you can’t quite separate the two, dream and reality that is. I sat down on the edge of the tub and held my head in my hands, trying to shake the dream off.
I still felt chilled awhile later, and I went back to bed, scooting as close to Adam’s warm body as I could. I don’t know if I woke him up getting back into the bed or when I got out of it, but he moved as close to me as possible. I relished the warm length of him pressed up against me and his welcoming arms, so I cautiously turned onto my side to face him.
It was uncomfortable to move like that, although it wasn’t too bad once I got settled. I wrapped my arm around Adam’s waist and rested my head on his arm. He kissed my tenderly and asked if I were alright.
“Yes, I just had a disturbing dream,” I told him with a sigh. I could smell him, the musky, spicy scent that is all Adam and I pressed a light kiss on his jaw, savoring the slightly abrasive texture of his unshaved skin.
The need to be with him was tormenting me incredibly. Even though the dream had been scary, it had also been erotic and my body was remembering that. I felt the delicious dewy wetness and aching feeling spread though me like wildfire.
“What was your dream about,” he whispered as his mouth placed a soft kiss on my forehead.
“It was frightening. And erotic. An odd combination, huh?”
“Please don’t tell me there were vampires or something else silly in it! Actually, tell me about the erotic part...”
I laughed softly and told him that was the last thing I needed to describe to him. My hand was lying along his chest and I was running my fingers through the soft curly hair there, as I had so many times now. I loved how it felt to my fingers, slightly springy. I loved his belly too and I wanted desperately to place kisses there and feel it quiver under my tongue. I groaned and rolled away from him.
He let me roll over and placed a final kiss on the back of my neck, causing the soft little hairs to rise up there and goosebumps to spread across my back. He moved up against me, spoon style and I could feel his body pressed firmly against mine, including the hard length of his desire and I regretted so much that we couldn’t make love.
He was so cool about it, just accepting and not trying to push me to do what I shouldn’t. I eventually fell asleep again and if I dreamed any more, I didn’t remember when I woke up.
What I did realize was that Adam was already out of the bed. I turned to look at the clock and it was almost 10:00 am. I delicately rolled over onto my back and enjoyed the feel on the soft sheets and the joy of being in my own room, in my own bed. I gingerly stretched, trying to see how my ribs felt and decided they were better today. I still had a small bump on my head and I had to grin when I thought about the fact that up there, under my skin I have a 3 ½ inch crack in my head. It seems kind of unreal!
I could hear Adam and Lissa talking in another area of the house and said a small prayer that they got along so well. I could only hope that Derek and Adam would develop a relationship like that as well. In time, I decided with a sigh.
I got up and went into the bathroom. I decided to take a bath and saw that Adam had already taken a shower and I hadn’t even heard him! Amazing, I thought. I must have been sleeping really soundly then. He had hung his towel up on an empty rod, and I could still see the drops of water clinging to the shower tiles.
I gave me an incredibly intimate feeling, sharing a bathroom and bedroom with Adam. It was different than when we were in Italy. That was almost a fantasy, this was real life and I decided that I loved it. I pulled the lever up on the tub and poured in some richly moisturizing bubble bath, then started the taps running full force. Soon, the smell of spicy cinnamon and vanilla wafted upward and I sunk down into the warm, bubbly water and sighed in pleasure.
I wished I had Jacuzzi jets in my tub. That tub in Firenza had totally spoiled me. Maybe I should think about getting a new tub, after all I hadn’t remodeled the bathroom the whole time I had lived here in this house and that had been about 7 years. I had been slowly re-doing parts of the house and I decided the bathroom should be next. Maybe some glass bricks for windows to bring in lots of light and change the colors to the desert palette of the bedroom, I thought as I looked around at the sunny yellow room with the almond colored fixtures. It wasn’t a bad bathroom, but it could be an incredible bathroom, with a little work. It was certainly large enough to make some great changes to, I thought, imagining a huge tub sitting in a pool of sunlight provided by the glass brick windows.
By the time I had mentally redecorated the whole bathroom, my water was getting cold so I washed quickly and hopped out of the tub to dry off, goosebumps rising starkly on my body. I went into the bedroom, shivering like crazy and found Adam there, looking through his luggage for something.
He looked up when I came into the room and winked at me. “Hi there! You hang around here often?”
I giggled and started into the closet, looking for something to wear. Adam followed me into the closet, carrying a copy of the script under his arm. “Don’t tell me you are actually going to work on your lines?” I teased, then raised my eyebrows and said, “Surely not!”
He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly for a moment and breathed in deeply. “Um, you smell wonderful. Kind of like that stuff in our bath in Firenza. Why didn’t you ask me to share?” He was standing behind me, nuzzling my neck, pressing little feather-like nips on it. He then bent and ran his tongue delicately down my spine, lightly tracing its path to the top of my derrière.
I was shivering intensely then and it wasn’t from the cold. “Oh Adam, you’re driving me crazy.”
“That kind of works both ways you know, love,” he said with a chuckle. He turned me around to face him then and tipped my face up to his so he could kiss me. He put his hands on the sides of my face, which for some reason turns me to mush! It’s like he is holding something fragile in his hands, something special. That gave me something to think about.
I felt his lips then, caressing mine, moving enticingly over me, opening my mouth to his tongue which felt wonderful as it teased mine, and stirred the fires of passion deep in my belly.
I pulled my mouth away from his, afraid I couldn’t stand anymore. Adam held me closely and said, “I’m sorry love, I’m sorry.”
I was gulping back more tears, swallowing hard to keep them at bay and I was scared to speak, so I just held him tightly until I could get myself under control a bit more. I feel as if I am crying all the time lately—either I’m scared or happy or sad or, or in...love?
How are we ever going to handle a week of this?
“Sarah, may I take you and Lissa out to dinner tonight? Do you have a favorite place you’d like to go? Do you even feel up to it?”
“Yes, yes, and yes,” I answered. I stepped away from him and turned my focus to the clothes hanging in my closet, sliding hangers haphazardly along the poles.
“Yes, you may take me out to dinner, you’ll have to check with Lissa herself, yes, I do have a place I’d like to go to and yes, I do feel up to it!”
“Wonderful. What would you like to do today? Go see Cassie maybe? Lissa is going up soon and we could all go together. Lissa says that she must get back to school to tomorrow.”
“Wow, so soon. I haven’t even talked that much with her. I guess we can do that tonight!” I pulled a pair of amethyst colored jeans out and quickly found a matching top, a sweater of white cashmere with small jewel-tone braids around the scooped neckline. I always feel good in this outfit and since I need any boost right now I can get, I decided that this would work well.
I walked out to the bedroom, stopping at the lingerie chest to pull out some undies, white lace of course, but then I thought better about the bra and pulled out a soft cotton sports bra. I laid everything on the bed so I could get dressed.
Adam stood there, looking at me, his eyes raking me from head to toe. Okay, his eyes paid a bit more attention to certain areas, but it was weird—it felt good. I know that he found me attractive and I felt no shame or embarrassment for my 45 year old body. But if he didn’t stop looking at me as if he were going to grab me and throw me onto the bed any minute, we’re going to be in trouble!
At that thought, I felt a rush of wetness spread slickly down my perpetually heated flesh. At least perpetually heated since Adam came into my life, that is!
“Uh, where would you like to go for dinner tonight?” As he spoke to me, he wandered over to peek out of the blinds that were still closed. The window faced toward my back yard and the park farther on. I live in an area of town called College Hill and the park winds around and through several blocks, providing a colorful backdrop to our neighborhood. Like its name implies, the area is hilly, full of towering oak trees, poplar, cottonwood, pines and every other type of tree you can imagine. In the spring it is alive with the vibrant colors of dogwood, flowering pear and so many others beautiful trees and bushes. The fall landscape abounds with leaves in every autumn shade imaginable from red to yellow and every shade in between.
I love sitting on my window seat in the autumn, sipping coffee and looking out at the glorious explosion of color provided for me by Mother Nature. I used to be sad when autumn rolled around, but the older I get, the more I appreciate fall. It provides our world and spirits a fallow time and the ability to nourish ourselves and prepare for winters frozen arms that embrace us faithfully each year.
Adam seemed lost in the view for a few minutes and I got dressed before going over to stand next to him. I reached beyond him and twisted the arm on the blinds, opening them so the sunshine could filter through. It was a windy day, nothing unusual for Kansas, and the leaves were dancing merrily in the trees, not quite yet ready to surrender to the greedy earth.
“Do you like the view?” I adore it and I spend a lot of time on this window seat watching the seasons change. I had it put in the first year I was here in this house, it seemed necessary after I saw the view from this side of the house.
Adam looked at me, his eyes still telling me he was somewhere far-off and I couldn’t help but wonder where that place was. His gaze shifted focus and he smiled at me then and reminded me that I hadn’t answered his question.
“Where would you like to go for dinner?
“Oh. Let’s see if Lissa has a preference. I bet she’ll pick the same place I will. It’s called N&J Café and it’s one of our favorites. We always go there when she’s home!”
I reached out for his hand, intending to lead him out of the bedroom, but he brought my hand to his lips and placed a soft lingering kiss there. His eyes were intense and candid looking as he did it and I blushed, the warmth spreading quickly down my body. I think I know what he was thinking about a few minutes earlier, how could I not when the same thing was on my mind?
“We make a fine pair,” I told him, leading him towards the door.
“Yes. Actually, we make an exceptional pair.”
We found Lissa, in the kitchen making a pitcher of iced tea; the raspberry green tea that is my favorite. Lissa got me hooked on it the year before after convincing me it was really healthy for me, full of antioxidants and stuff. The bottom line is that it just flat tastes good. But I won’t tell her that!
“Got any coffee made?” I asked, getting a cup out of the cupboard. I saw then that the pot was empty and started to make a new one when Lissa stopped me.
“Drink the tea, it’s better for you mom. You need every bit of healing you can get for awhile!”
I looked at her and rolled my eyes, but accepted the glass of tea without saying anything else. She smiled impishly at Adam and he grinned right back at her. Why did I feel like I had just been conned?
“On the off chance that you two haven’t worked this out as well, do you want to go out for dinner this evening Lissa?” I could swear that she was biting her lower lip to keep from saying anything, a habit she had as a kid when she was trying really hard to keep from blabbing something she shouldn’t. But I couldn’t tell for sure because she had turned away quickly from me.
“Sure. Where shall we go?”
“Well I don’t know, Lissa! Why don’t you tell me what you two have already decided?”
“N & J’s? Grandma and Grandpa are coming too!” And she immediately burst out laughing.
“And a few other people as well maybe. Just might stop in?” she said with a not so casual shrug.
My eyes narrowed as I looked at her. I leaned my head back and crossed my arms across my chest, trying to figure out what was going on. “Like who?”
“Just some family who have been concerned, you know, a stray aunt or two, nothing big really,” she told me with another shrug. And a quick sideways glance at Adam, who was trying really hard to read the label on a package of bagels that was open on the counter. Lissa had split one and put it into the toaster to heat for me.
I sighed and with a shrug decided to give up. Whatever they had planned was going to happen anyway, I might as well make it easy on them. “Okay.”
Lissa came over and sat in the chair next to me and said, “Mom, everyone has been so worried about you, they just want to see you and since I’m leaving tomorrow, it’s natural we’d do it tonight, that’s all.” She had taken my hand and was rubbing it in a gesture of support.
I wasn’t mad, but I did feel like I was being shanghaied. “It’s just that you leave tomorrow Lissa. I wanted time with you, that’s all.”
“We’ll have time at Thanksgiving mom, you know that. Everyone is just worried and wants to see you to be reassured that you are okay.”
I nodded and told them it was okay. It was really, but I just didn’t want to share Lissa, and I felt weird about everyone meeting Adam too. I didn’t know if I was ready for the scrutiny that would surely be a part of the gathering tonight, for Adam and I both.
My bagel popped up out of the toaster and Lissa hopped up to pull it out and put some cream cheese on it for me—the fat-free stuff she always uses! Maybe her leaving tomorrow wasn’t such a bad thing I told myself. I suppose when she left I would find all sorts of fat-free things living in my fridge. After she goes, there is always a certain amount of satisfaction going through and pitching them I thought with a slightly vindictive smile!
We left to go up to the hospital after I had eaten and when we got there, Cassie was having some tests run. We waited awhile before they wheeled her, in her special bed, back into the room. I didn’t mind waiting because the truth was, the walk up to see her had tired me more than I thought it would, so it felt good to sit for a bit.
She looked even better today than she had yesterday, I thought happily. And she was in a very good mood. I couldn’t help but wonder how I would have handled this if it were me instead of Cassie. I’m very much afraid I wouldn’t be accepting it nearly as well as her.
She was very encouraged because she was able to move her legs more now and they were probably going to put her into a regular bed, if everything went well with the tests today. Hopefully she wasn’t even going to need surgery she told us!
Dr. Gorman walked in then and I saw Cassie’s face light up and I immediately understood what was behind the good mood. And the thing was, he was grinning at her with the same sappy look on his handsome face. He was tall and thin, almost too thin really, but still I totally understood what Cassie saw in him.
Dr. Gorgeous indeed!
I looked back and forth between them and I suddenly wanted to kick everyone out of the room so I could talk to Cass alone. She met my eyes then and I could tell by her impish grin that she knew exactly what I wanted. I pictured the two of them together, which would be an amusing sight. She was 5’2, tiny really and so petite it killed me when I thought of it. At 45, she still could eat anything and not gain an ounce; she probably only weighed 98 pounds sopping wet. Her hair was a bright, beautiful red, with gold highlights, and she had grass green eyes. I always envied her those eyes. When I was a kid I would lie in bed at night and pray to wake up and find my eyes green, just like Cassie’s.
“Cassie, I have the results of the tests. Would you like to hear them now?” he asked and his voice was as wonderful to hear as he was to look at. Deep and melodious, he spoke quietly, in the tranquil tone that doctors so often adopted. It probably helps to keep patients calm, but it sure can make hearts flutter, especially when the doctor looks like he does.
“I don’t want to wait, you can talk in front of them, they’re family,” she declared and she reached out to grab my hand to prove it. Except that her hand was shaking and I knew she was terrified of what she might hear. I squeezed it, and then held on tightly.
“Things look really good Cassie. The swelling in your spinal cord had decreased dramatically, relieving the pressure on the spinal cortex. You have about a 95% chance of full recovery. There are a lot of technical terms involved with this, but for right now, just know you are doing wonderfully. We need to keep you immobilized for a few days more, and then we will be moving you to a rehabilitation hospital so that you can begin physical therapy. You could even be walking on your own by Thanksgiving if you follow the therapy and work hard. But I know you’ll do that,” he said, looking at Cassie. She was crying, tears of joy and when Adam laid his hand on my shoulder and gently squeezed it, I realized I was crying too. Lissa had gone into the bathroom and brought tissues out for us, dabbing her own eyes as well.
I watched Cassie for a moment, and took in Dr. Gorman, who still hadn’t left. I looked at Adam and Lissa and nodded, trying to let them know we should go and let Cass and the doctor talk on their own. It seemed obvious to me that he had something else to say to her. I leaned down and gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her we would see her soon. Lissa did the same and reminded Cass that she would stop by in the morning on her way back to Kansas City.
“What about you Mr. Movie Star? Don’t I get a kiss from you too?” she asked.
Adam laughed and bent down and bestowed upon her forehead a soft kiss, then ruffled her hair.
She faked a swoon, and laid the back of her hand across her forehead, in a Scarlett O’Hara gesture and said, “Why, I do declare I shall neva wash ma face agin,” in her best southern drawl.
We all laughed and then Adam, Lissa and I were out the door, heading for the parking garage.
The walk was a long one, but I was so happy at the news the doctor had given Cassie that I just seemed to float along the path. We talked excitedly about her recovery, Lissa giving us more details about what would happen and the physical therapy and stuff. My heart felt freer than it had since I woke up in my hospital bed and found out what had happened to Cass. It was going to be okay.
We stopped and got some lunch, Adam and Lissa were both hungry, having eaten early this morning. We went back to the house and Lissa left again, to visit a couple of friends and Adam and I were alone for the afternoon.
I was nervous, not being able to imagine how we would get through the afternoon, but things went easily. We talked about Cassie a lot, how she and I had met and some of the silly things we did as kids and teenagers. I really got him laughing when I told a story about us as 7 year olds at her grandparent’s house in Nebraska.
"They had a wooden trailer that they hauled things in. It was about 8 feet long and the sides were about 4 foot high. Cass and I decided that we needed a swimming pool, so we put the hose into the trailer and turned it on. Of course, it was a wooden trailer, so the water ran out about as fast as it was put in, which was frustrating to us, but we played happily for awhile before her grandpa came out to find out what we were doing and why we were so quiet.
Those were the days when a kid got the tar whaled out of them by the nearest adult, and boy did we get it. Of course, the trailer warped seriously when it dried out in the sun, and Cass and I always giggled when ever we went up there to spend time with them because it looked so funny."
I asked Adam if he really wanted to do this tonight and he really acted as if he did. That amazed me and personally I thought it was only because he obviously had no idea how much people would be looking at us and wondering.
I wasn’t sure if I was up to it. In fact, I was pretty sure I wasn’t.
Lissa got home around five and I realized that Adam and I had spent 4 hours alone together and I hadn’t thought about sex once. Well, maybe once, but I was pleasantly surprised how easily the time had passed. The truth was, we still had so much to learn about one another and this celibate time would give us the opportunity to do that. It was probably a good thing, but I knew it wasn’t always going to be as easy as this afternoon was.
We all got ready to go and soon it was time to head to the restaurant. I could only hope it would go well.