Friday, November 03, 2006
Lessons to Learn
Something was insistently tickling the back of my neck as I tried to sleep. I cautiously opened one eye and saw that it was still dark out. There wasn’t a clock in the room so I didn’t have a clue what time it was.
I felt movement on my neck again and reached back to brush it away and realized it was Adam, kissing my neck softly. He caught my hand and kissed it, doing that nibbling on my palm thing again and I was lost; any idea I had about protesting was gone. Thoughts of more sleep quickly left my mind and I sighed and arched my neck, letting Adam have his way with my neck, my hand, anything he wanted to kiss!
We were laying spoon style and I felt his cock, hard and pressed up against my back side. I reached my hand around and started softly stroking him and I felt him quiver under my warm fingers. I rolled over to face him, so I could more easily stroke him and kiss him while I was at it.
There wasn’t a thought in my mind about morning breath, but then again, it might not be morning for all I could tell! I pushed him over onto his back and leaned up to be closer to his mouth, which I captured with a lazy kiss, taking my time to explore his mouth thoroughly.
I rubbed my tongue across his lips and lightly pulled on his lip with me teeth, only to then lick and kiss it, and then repeated this with his lower lip. Teasing and torture would be the strategy of the day I decided! My breasts were lying across his chest; the crinkly hairs were teasing my nipples and driving me crazy. He reached up to play with my nipples and I grabbed his hand and kissed it, then sucked on his finger to get his mind off of my breasts. I wouldn’t be able to finish my teasing if he started caressing me!
Pulling his finger slowly out of my mouth I eagerly went back to his mouth slowly coaxing his lips open and gently caressing his tongue with my own and then boldly stroking it more firmly. His hands made another play for my breasts and I moved them away and said, “Uh uh.”
My mouth made a leisurely journey down to his jaw which felt rough against my tongue as I stroked it. I tickled him under the chin with my tongue, little short strokes that made him moan. His throat tasted wonderful had the faint odor of vanilla still clinging to him. I thrilled to his warm and sexy smell and my mouth ranged farther down his neck to where his neck and shoulder met and I lightly bit that place, the place where the softly muscled neck meets the hardness of the collar bone. I licked it delicately, and then blew warm air on it and I was rewarded with a shiver.
His hands were no longer trying to explore me and he knew I wasn’t going to let them; they were lying at his sides but I could tell it wasn’t easy for them to stay there. I shifted my mouth downward to his chest, letting my breasts drag along his chest which him which made me groan. I loved how my breasts felt against the crinkly hair on his chest.
As my mouth continued its downward exploration I stopped to linger over his nipples, rubbing softly with my tongue, feeling them stiffen under my ministrations. I kissed each one lovingly, enjoying the feel of the tight little buds in my mouth. I tried everything on him that I liked, nipping, swirling and sucking and I was rewarded for my effort, his breathing became more rapid and he was softly moaning. My hands were tickling the hair on his belly, running my fingers through the short silky hairs and I slid my mouth down to play there as well.
I found his naval and I traced it softly with my tongue and his stomach muscles contracted wildly. I was close to my sexy destination and I couldn’t hold out any longer—my mouth found his cock and visited it with soft, wet kisses. I adoringly licked up and down his hard shaft, loving the feel on him on my tongue. His skin felt velvety smooth under my tongue and lips and I thrilled to it.
Adams hands started to play with my hair, not pushing me, just caressing me and it was wonderful. His body was rigid because he was so aroused and I knew I had to be careful, I didn’t want to push him too fast.
I held him in my hands like a luscious lollipop, slowly licking it, then swirling my tongue wetly over the ultra-sensitive head. My mouth suddenly dropped onto him, taking him deeply into the depths of my throat and I sucked gently then withdrew my mouth languidly, only to take him in deeply again and again. His hips were moving of their own accord and his moans were more urgent now, needing more, so I gave him the best I could, making love to his cock as if it were the most precious gift I could give to him.
He cried out, “Enough, stop! I need to be inside you, please. I can’t last much longer.”
I obliged him by sitting on him sheathing his throbbing length in my already drenched pussy and I rode him quickly and came just as quickly, my contractions pushing Adam over the edge as well. We both cried out with the intensity of our orgasms, our bodies grinding together to heighten the intensity.
My breath was ragged as I lay forward on him for a moment before rolling over to my side. We held each other as our breathing quieted, our sweat-dampened bodies nestling together contentedly.
The next time I woke up the sun was shining and Adam was already out of the bed. I could hear him in the shower and I snuck in and surprised him. He jumped just the tiniest bit and then laughingly handed me the soap! I washed his backside tenderly, slowly and then moved around to the front side to start there.
Adam took the soap from me and said, “Uh uh, I already got that! Now it’s my turn.” He began spreading the soap over my body, rubbing it in enticingly, rubbing very sensitive areas. He sat me down on the bench and tasted me, lovingly stroking me with his lips and tongue and I came quickly. I tried to return the favor and he laughed and said that I needed to give a guy a break and let him rest!
That puzzled me, and I wondered if I had done something wrong earlier, if I had hurt him or something. Adam knelt down in front of me and tenderly held my face in his hands and kissed me. He laughed a bit and said nothing was wrong, other than the fact that I was wearing him out!
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, long and slow and then I just hugged him. I wondered how he always seemed to know what I was thinking; am I that transparent?
I stood up under the shower and got my hair wet in preparation to washing it. Adam took the shampoo from me and squirted some in his hands and then began to wash my hair for me. How can I describe how this made me feel? I’ve had my hair washed at the beauty salon, but I’ve never had a man do it before. It was without a doubt the most intimate thing a man has ever done for me, out side of sex I mean. He slowed rubbed it in and massaged my scalp, running his fingers through the strands to work the shampoo through. I stood there, mesmerized by it, by Adam’s hands, by how it was making me feel. I felt cared for, maybe even. . .loved.
We rinsed my hair and put the conditioner in, and Adam gave me the same treatment with that. We decided that this was about the 4th day since the accident and that we could cautiously wash his hair, so he took the shower cap off and I gently removed the bandage, which was still dry and examined the cut briefly; it looked great and I carefully washed Adam’s hair, trying to make him feel as cared for as he had made me feel.
We got everything rinsed and got out of the shower and dried off and went into the bedroom to get dressed.
I felt so comfortable with Adam, but then it’s hard not to when he takes every opportunity available telling you that he finds you sexy and beautiful. I walked around unselfconsciously, looking for something to wear.
Adam had pulled on a pair of jeans and was in the living room, ordering breakfast of course, when his cell phone rang. He called out from the living room and asked me to answer it. It felt weird but I picked it up and saw that it was Sunni calling, so I flipped it open and said “Hello”.
"Oh Sarah,” she answered, sounding very surprised. “I, uh, was trying to get Adam, is he busy?”
“He’s on the phone in the living room, ordering breakfast,” I informed her.
“Um, well do you think he’ll be long? I really needed to speak with him.”
“No, I don’t think so,” I was saying as Adam walked in. “Just a minute Sunni,” I said, handing the phone to Adam.
I wondered briefly if I should leave the room, but decided to go ahead and get dressed. If it were private, Adam could always leave. But instead he stayed right there, listening to Sunni and watching me get dressed. I turned around so he couldn’t see my face as it broke into a huge smile. I started digging through my underwear, pulling out the sexiest ones I could find, and then making a big thing of trying to decide which ones to wear.
Adam was watching intently, trying to pay attention to Sunni but he was obviously paying more attention than he should to me and my underwear.
“What,” he asked Sunni, shaking his head as if to clear it, “can you say that again please, I didn’t catch it the first time.” He was looking at the red set with the black lace overlay. “That one,” he mouthed to me with a silly grin smeared across his face. And to Sunni, “yes, we’re here for two more days, you set the itinerary so you should know that. Yes, okay, do that. Goodbye,” and he flipped the phone shut.
He picked up the lacy red and black bra and admired it for a moment and said, “Wow, I like this!”
I giggled and said, “Would you like to see it on me?”
“Yes, I’d like to see it on you and then take it off of you!”
“Why, I thought you were too tired Adam,” I said impishly.
“One thing at a time. First it goes on, and then later we take it off!”
I was giggling again when his cell phone rang again, and he grabbed it up impatiently, mumbling something about Sunni and then he saw the caller id. “It’s Tamara and the boys,” he said, grinning from ear to ear.
I could see how excited he was to talk to them, how much he loved them. He wandered out to the living room while I was getting dressed and I heard parts of the conversation which was about his upcoming visit. There seemed to be a lot of discussion over what they were going to do and when I walked out to the living room Adam’s face was just simply lit up with happiness. He was crazy about those boys and that made me very happy. I admired his devotion and the fact that even though he was absent from their daily lives a lot, he worked hard to be with them every available opportunity.
Our breakfast arrived and I let them in to set it up. It was a beautiful day so I had them put it on the balcony and before they left I remembered the dishes and stuff from yesterday and had them gather that to take with them. I looked at breakfast and laughed, it was noon already and then I started thinking about the time difference. They must be early risers there in California because by my calculations it was only 4:00 am there.
The balcony doors were open and I was still catching bits and pieces of the conversation and I believed he was speaking to Tamara now. I heard him say that he was in Firenza and then he must have said something about me because I heard him say, “Her name is Sarah,” and then, “yes, very much.” He hung up soon after that and came out to the balcony to eat.
I guess this was technically more of a brunch than breakfast. Adam had ordered a frittata and paper-thin slices of prosciutto wrapped around juicy melon, icy cold glasses of orange juice, and of course lots of coffee with the thick, delicious Italian cream. The frittata had sweet Italian sausage in it as well as mushroom, red peppers and onions and it was fantastic. We lingered over lunch as he told me about the conversation with the boys.
There was going to be a street fair on Olivera Street in Los Angeles they wanted to go to and Adam thought that would be fun. Often when he visited them it was summer or holidays and they took trips together, but school was in session now so they were limited to some degree. They were in New York for the weekend right now visiting Tamara’s sister, which explained the call time; it was 7:00 am in New York.
“Tamara says she is excited to meet you,” he informed me. I looked up at him and paused with a bite of frittata mid-way to my mouth. I didn’t know what to say. I really haven’t thought about what happens when we leave Italy. Okay, let me be honest, I’ve done some wishful thinking or maybe I should say wishful wondering about it, but that’s all. To me, it seems so unlikely that there will be a time after Italy. It made me sad to think that way, but I try to be realistic—our lives are completely different. I’ll go back to Wichita and work, spend time with friends and family and probably cry a bit over him. Alright, maybe cry a whole bunch, but he’s going to go on to his life and I couldn’t see that including me.
And truthfully, I probably, secretly, am happy about that. I don’t have to try to put myself out there, open myself to all the things in relationships that make us vulnerable. As I said, I don’t like not having control.
But there was a tiny little voice in my head that was ecstatic that Adam wanted my to meet his family, and his ex-wife too.
I set my fork back down on my plate and cleared my throat, and tried frantically to think of what to say to him.
“She is?” I managed to get out in this squeaky little voice. I immediately cleared my throat again, trying to cover up my anxiety.
Adam reached across the table and grabbed my hand, the one that was shaking and fidgeting with my glass of juice. He gently caressed my fingers and said, “Yes, she is. I told her I hoped to get you to come to California to spend some time with me there. Do you think you can do that? Do you want to do that?” he finished, his voice was soft as he said that and he was looking at me intently, and with what I believe was hope in his eyes.
“I, um, I guess I never really thought that might actually happen Adam,” I said slowly. “I have just thought that our lives were so different and that, well, this time with you here has been great, uh wonderful really, but well, in the real world, we live totally different lives.” I looked at him and finished with a shrug.
“And so ‘totally different lives’ means that we can’t be together, that we can’t or shouldn’t find a way to make it work?”
“No Adam, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hadn’t really considered it in a serious manner. You are always off making movies or things like that, and I’m, well, I go to work everyday and that’s my life. Yours is just so different; I can’t see how I would fit in it actually.”
“So, you’re telling me that all this is just fantasy? Nothing more than a holiday fling?” His voice was precariously loud, close to yelling actually. “All this means nothing to you? Just ‘fuck him’ and then forget about him then, is that it? Ah, bloody hell!” Adam’s face was bright red now as anger rooted and flourished within his mind. His voice had a keen edge to it that made me feel as if I had been thrown up against the wall and had the wind knocked out of me.
I struggled for a moment to catch my breath; but his anger set off a spark of my own. “No,” I exclaimed, and then looked away feeling guilty because those things were terribly close to exactly what I was thinking. “No, you’re twisting it, making it sound terrible. I guess I just meant that it would be, uh, easier to think that, to remember that we have such different lives Adam.”
“And how exactly am I twisting it Sarah?” He asked, his voice was now low and beginning to be deadly calm. “What part have I twisted? The part about the holiday fling or the fuck him and forget him? Tell me Sarah, what part? And by the way, easier for whom? For you, because certainly not for me. Despite appearances I’m not in the habit of persuading women to let me accompany them across Italy.”
My face had blanched white at his angry words. A hundred different thoughts galloped unchecked through my mind, each with a different angle. I had hurt him, but I was angry with him now too. However I was even angrier with myself. How dare he talk to me that way, and yet what did I expect? Isn’t this what ultimately I wanted, to be able to walk away again, get out of this without getting my heart involved?
Except that my heart is already involved and that realization stunned me. And now this could all be ending and I wasn’t ready for it, not yet. I wanted every single day possible with this amazing man. I think I wanted forever or at least the chance of forever. That thought struck fear into my heart. I don’t know how to handle this; I don’t know what to do. I tried to think and I realized that I was dangerously close to running out of time, and before the situation got completely out of control I needed to say something. Not just something, the right thing. I decided to just be honest.
“Adam, I um, I’m scared, okay? This is the part of relationships I always fuck up, the hanging around part. The starting to care about someone part,” I finished. I was looking at him carefully, trying to decide what was going through his mind.
“You’re just starting to care about me then?”
“Yes,” I told him so softly I wasn’t even sure if he had heard me. It sounded awful the way he said that, 'just starting to care for him' and I realized that had hurt him and I wondered when I had said or done anything to make him think I felt differently. I watched him, watched the way his jaw was clenched tightly shut and his lips pursed together in a grim white line. He was thinking about all this and probably what I had already told him about me, about my past relationships.
“So, you are starting to care for me, and yet you didn’t think we would see one another when we left here, am I correct about this?” he said and I could see that he was still angry, but maybe I thought, starting to calm down a little as he tried to digest what I'm saying to him. His fingers were drumming the table unconsciously in a rapid staccato and he apparently became aware of it because he looked down at his hand and abruptly stopped, balling his hand into a tight fist.
I sat there nervously, asking God to please let me say the correct thing, but even more than that, let me know what is correct for me. Don’t let me make plans or promises for something I can’t do.
“Adam, I love every moment we spend together and there is a part of me that has been hoping that this time, right here and now isn’t all that there is for us. I mean, we haven’t talked about this at all before now. It would have been unrealistic of me to start making plans for something I wasn’t even sure would happen. And because we haven’t talked, I just figured that this time would be it and that I would have to be okay with that.”
“But then it’s easier for you to think about it like that, isn’t it? Walk away, no emotional entanglements, isn’t that it?”
His voice was sarcastic and I thought a little cruel then. I didn’t know that I blamed him. That is one of my vulnerabilities, my fear of the emotional side of things. I had told him that in trying to explain my past behaviors. But now he was using it as a weapon, and that made me even madder, the more I thought about those words.
“Yes goddammit, it has been. That’s right, Adam, I walk away, and I’ve done it really well in the past!” I was yelling at him now and tears of hurt and outrage started to run slowly down my cheeks.
I looked at him for a minute, a furious and cold thought slipped into my mind;to hell with it, this is my escape.